Hold on to your Jagerbombs
We partin' all night, bro.
Broseph
Broheim
Alpha and Bromega
Holy shit it's Vegeta's gay son
Allow me to introduce you to the world of guidos. As defined in the dictionary, a guido is "[a] person who tries their entire life to be the most obnoxious douche bag on the planet, yelling out homo erotic phrases at clubs while fist pumping in the air like they are desperately require medical attention and wearing clothes they most likely found at Baby Gap ™."
Something like that.
You see, guidos live their life by one very simple, 3 letter acronym: GTL. Gym, tan, laundry. Or maybe gays, transsexuals and lesbians. No wait that is a different group. Although you would be hard pressed to tell. I assume it is three letters because if it involved any more these pure breeds would get confused. And I wonder if their credo is so strict that they really only do it in that order. What if you are out of gym clothes? What if the tan salon closes before the gym? Fuck you it's GTL not LGT make it work you homo. And that's it. That is their entire fucking life.
Now normally before you go for a swim, you dip your toe in to test how cold it is. To prepare. Then you ease yourself into the water in order to adjust to the change around you.
Well fuck you.
I am throwing you straight into this shit:
Really annoying New Jersey accent? Check.
Random shirtless guy wearing sunglasses inside? Check.
Some dickless want-to-be thinking he is the Big Man because he drinks alcohol? Check.
A horrible mistreatment of the English language? Check.
Oh man it must be a guido!
Also how long did it take before they started head banging and fist pumping? One minute and nineteen seconds. They went from a rage fueled rant to fist pumping in one minute and nineteen fucking seconds. Do you even understand the type of mind that can shift gears like that? He is some sort of savant. Well let's be fair this is just one random example there is no way they can all be like thi-
Fuck.
Fuck.
FUCK.
YOU GOTTA BE SMILIN' YOU GOTTA BE DANCIN' YOU GOTTA BE SHAKIN' DAT AAAASSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Yup.
You just saw that.
That is a thing you just saw.
And don't think the chicks are immune from this either.
Case in point:
GUIDETTE'S REPRESENT!
Look at that.
Just look at that.
Drink it in.
She probably, I assume, has some form of ultimate skin cancer which to be fair is what I am sure these people are all going for. Also nice lips. Your entire self image is some Charles Manson shit. Although she may actually be the sister of these fine gents:
Hey guys let's make sure we are as orange as possible before the prom or we won't get LAID.
I don't know. I honestly don't know. They all live in a world that is so far removed from where I want to be that I really can't even begin to come up with any sensible explanation for their activities.
Look I'm sorry for doing this.
I hate myself for doing it to you.
Just watch this while I go kill myself:
FACE.
Hey Japan!
Guess what?
I hate you.
I hate everything about you.
It's like you found a way to digitize Pearl Harbour and send it straight to my monitor. So thanks.
Thanks for that.
For those not in know, THIS is Japan:
The land of erotic cartoons and used panty machines.
They are responsible for many things. Their main export is oranges. Actually I made that up. They have a deep and varied history that ultimately leads to what is known around the world as "Anime".
Here.
Here's a taste:
You're welcome.
You see, Japan is famous for making underage school girls look incredibly attractive for every overweight white kid sporting a pony tail and a neck beard that would make a viking green with envy. Now, taken as a whole, Japan can just seem weird.
Yes this is a real thing.
But it's just so far AWAY. Things that far away can be stared at oddly and laughed at, like some child down the street that has one gimp leg. The problem arises with the Japanese fanboys and fangirls. They exist on every facet of the internet. Every. Single. One. They are the ones pumping their kawaii-ness (look it up) into your face. They bring it to your home. And they make it real. Let me just pick one anime fanboy at random. Ohhhhh let's see howww aboooout THISONE
Yup. You just saw what you think you saw. I enjoy his theories on "recycling". Truly an innovator. Thinking outside the box. Shifting paradigms. I want to die. The fact is I don't want to go into any sort of depth on this video because it is one of those few times where my jaw has literally hit the floor and saying anything more would ruin everything.
So, fans aside, the Japanese people are also quite guilty of being...well..horrendous. Remember when Michael Jackson died? You may have missed it. It kind of slipped by the media. Well lucky for US a fine young person by the name of 'nihontenjin' would NOT take this QUIETLY. Immediately after he had passed, this person ran to their computer, tears streaming from their eyes, and began to create the most touching tribute video the world will ever know:
"Requiescat in Pace"
Truer words were never spoken.
OHMYGODYOUGUYS HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TOTALLY AMAZING TRAILER FOR THE LATEST MOVIE IN JAPAN??!?! IT'S CALLED ROBOGEIHSA AND IS TOTALLY KAWAII AND NOT FOR BAKA GAIJINS!!!!~~~1111 ^.^!!
GEISHA IPFH,
JAPAISH GRRR.
GEISHA ITCH,
BUUTFULLL.
GEISHA WIPFH,
WHILTH.
GEISHA IPFH,
ROBOT!
Wow. Talk about a million dollar trailer. Did the guy doing the voice over have a tumour in his mouth? Maybe they could only afford him for 5 whole fucking minutes and he had just eaten a huge peanut butter sandwich. Whatever the case may be, I wish I had never seen this and now so will you.
God bless you Japan. God bless you and what you have done to our youth.
UUUAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!
This is just scratching the surface, and I have no desire to dig any deeper.
Sorry for updating.
Thank god the internet exists
Because now I can get a chance to see everyone’s "creative content". The internet is used by everyone and thus, inevitably, people will decide at some point that it is about time for their worthless shit to try and reach a mass audience. And GUESS WHAT. It does. These things spread like a virus until I find myself stumbling into them. It's kind of like running into that one old ex of yours. You know the one. It is awkward, uncomfortable, and completely without any redeeming qualities. Afterwards you feel like you need a shower, and a drink. MAYBE at the same time. Shine on, you crazy internet diamonds in the ruff.
What you are about to see, I apologize for.
One such thing I have stumbled into, is this lovely little music video, entitled 'Freaxxx' by the equally retardedly named 'Brokencyde':
Did you just watch that? DID YOU? What in the FUCK was that?! Who...I don't...UGH. I love hipsters. They are able to show you every single quality that another human being shouldn't have after about 5 seconds of meeting them. Also, it seems that the closer you look to this guy:
The more hipster you are! It is like some sort of horrific arms-race. First one to look like they came straight out of a time machine from fucking 1992 wins! Also, I don't think any of them are aware of this yet, but the Somalia pirates are stealing their style.
ANYWAYS, the above video also is a great example of everything a song shouldn't be. HEY GUYS I HAVE A FANTASTIC IDEA. DANCE MUSIC AND SCREAMO. $$$$$$! Haha, no. That is why your gay ass video is on youtube, and I have never heard of you. And what in the FUCK is with the lyrics? Here, in order to gain a better understanding of this magnum opus, I need to show it to you piece by piece. What is revealed to us in this song is actually quite incredible:
I walk into the club looking kind of sexy now.
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out.
They pull their panties down, they take their pants off.
Then they started getting freaky on the dance floor.
Okay. So, we are to believe here that these fine gents have gone into some sort of club. Out of the corner of their eye they see two midgets over in the corner playing tonsil hockey. I don't fault them for starring at this. They are only human. However, these midgets then proceed to remove their underwear BEFORE taking off their pants. Wow. Okay so we are now to assume that these are in fact some sort of travelling circus midgets, capable of feats very few can ever hope to achieve. These bottomless midgets then proceed to start dancing in the middle of everyone. They must be on some sort of drug to even consider doing this. I suspect ecstasy. I have no idea what the fuck kind of club this is, but apparently I have been missing out for the past 6 years of my life because nothing this remarkable ever happens at the clubs I frequent.
Shake it mommy give it to me like you need some love.
I got some bottles in the caddy that we can open up.
Let's get drunk tonight, baby we don't have to fuck.
And bring your friend along, maybe we can have some fun.
Apparently now this mans mother has walked into the club. Apparently he wants his mother to shake her booty, to demonstrate that his father is not pleasing her in their relationship. Being the generous person that he is, he offers her some drinks. And also...wait. Wait what. Okay, he DOESN'T want to fuck his mother? That's good I guess. Oh, but he is interested in his moms friend. The second most classic 'forbidden fruit', right behind a cousin. Nice.
Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]
I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy.
Okay, I guess he RETRACTS his previous statement, and now wishes to 'get fucking freaky' with his mother and her friend. Hipsters. I guess his mom has SOME sense, however, as he has to get her drunk first to even consider this....interesting...situation. Also apparently his mom is an alcoholic? That is a serious problem that really needs to be addressed, and her son seems to be an enabler. This song is sad. Also he is into drugs. I guess that explains the whole wanting to 'fuck his mom' thing. This family needs help. No wonder the mans father shows his mother no respect. He was smart. He got out.
So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls.
Come on bitch, you know you want this.
That hardcore shit will make you feel the toxic.
Fursachi, Rolex watches.
Okay I am pretty sure the first three lines constitute rape. I am not going to touch those. Instead, let's focus on the last line. He also seems to be a street peddler. I assume this is to help pay for his drug addiction. More like Rolax watches m i rite?
Bently coups with the 20's droppin.
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.
If you want me baby feel me in.
Apparently, this man drops money out of his windows. '20's' to be exact. This probably does not help the whole 'having to sell watches for drugs' situation. He should look into this. I guess he also likes to lick his BBQ?
'cause I don't waste my time with lesbians.
Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]
Liar! [x8]
Oh baby why did you have to lie to me.
I guess he is also an old-school republican, as he is against lesbians. But he's cool with having a threesome with his mom, and her friend. Fucking hypocrite. Okay, from the last two lines, I can’t seem to figure out if he is yelling at himself or his mother. So either, on top of everything else, he is a schizophrenic, or his mother is, in fact, a lesbian. Since I can't choose, I'll go with BOTH.
I can't play no more games.
These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You're turning off the flame.
Okay, never mind, he IS a schizophrenic. He openly admits to voices in his head telling him what to do. Also, apparently unbeknownst to everyone else in the club, he has snuck a Bunsen burner into the club, and is seriously considering lighting the place on fire.
So go baby go baby.
You don't want me.
So go baby go baby.
Come and get me.
So go baby go baby.
You don't want me.
So go baby go!
Come and get me.
Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]
Okay so here he is arguing with himself about his final decision. He doesn't want to burn the club down, but he can't stop himself. I assume the guilt over drugging and raping his mother drove him to this.
So, after it is all examined, what we actually have here is one of the saddest songs in the world. It is a story about a man who has a crippling drug addiction, which tore his family apart. His father becomes distant and in order to compensate for this, his brain creates alter egos, thus making him schizophrenic. This leads his mother to drink. His alcoholic mother, no longer feeling love from his father, turns to him, after he pressures her into taking some drugs. Overrun with guilt over the raping of his mother, presumably while under an alter-ego, he burns the club, and everyone in it, to the ground.
Fuck hipsters.
Sometimes vampires can be gay apparently: Alpha 2 HD Remix
Sorry it took so long. Real life got in the way. I promise it will never happen again.
And now, the exciting (see: horrendous) conclusion!
As mentioned before, I had wandered into the monsters cave. It felt as if, I discovered in fact Santa Claus WAS real, only to have him die in my arms of AIDS 20 seconds later. Not only does this site exist in order to promote Twilight and all of it's various facets, it also serves to validate every single stereotype that these people are accused of. Let's start off with their quiz! It asks me if I am, in reality, a 'Twilighter'. Despite the fact that it sounds like a sexual fetish category, I was intrigued. What do I have to do to be considered one of them? Hm. Let's take a look.
Okay nope I guess I fail that one! What's next?
Damn! Nope...I guess I fail that one too. Let's look at one more.
Okay HOLD ON 'Spunk Ransom' was definitely a porno that revolved around a kidnapping.
Alright I am 1 for 3. That makes me exactly 33% gay. With a little vodka I am sure I could get that number up. So, now that I have failed THAT test, I will push on.
For the most part, this website is like any other fan site. Bunch of crap nobody cares about with some sort of vague connection to twilight gets uploaded to the main page. HOLY FUCK THAT GUY THAT PLAYED EDWARD WAS SPOTTED EATING AT A RESTURAUNT. HE IS SO LIKE US!!!!! Where this place really shines though? Like, any retarded fansite - with it's community. These insane people can be found on the site's message board. I dove in and came out with a whole new breed of hatred for everyone that was ever alive. The first thing that caught my attention as soon as I clicked my way over to the forums was this topic:
Firstly, this got my attention right away because it was like, the second topic from the top. Secondly, the topic is IN ALL CAPS SO YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS BUSINESS TIME. Thirdly, 'ish hawt' sounds like a German metal song. Next, I noticed that this topic was relevant enough to garner 144 separate responses. Finally, this topic is by a dude. His name is David. I don't know why, but I was not expecting a topic of this caliber to be made by a male. Stupid me. So I clicked it. Right away David's style sounded the "faggotory alarm".
"hai my nam3
iz David
i tlk lik3 thish
i enjy p3nish
kthnx 8==D"
Look at that man's signature. LOOK. It's as if, somewhere deep within his mom's basement, a lone man sits naked in front of his computer. His chunky body aglow from the light of the monitor, tired of writing erotic twilight fanfiction, he decides that a visual companion piece would help to boost his E-REP WITH A BUNCH OF UNDERAGE GIRLS WHO VISIT THE EXACT SAME FUCKING SITE HE DOES. He represents everything I hate. Everything. Also he's from Utah.
The next thread I came across was something I was not expecting to find so soon. It's as if somebody had buried a treasure, and carefully placed elaborate clues everywhere that point to it's whereabouts, but I found it after 5 minutes because I'm awesome. That treasure? The forumer self picture thread. Hold onto your butts.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Okay I'm sorry. But it was everything I hoped it could be. He is clearly twelve. And gender confused. I also enjoy the fact that he felt he needed to CLARIFY he was smoking a "fake ciggggy". In class. That's longer than his finger. With a red tip at the end.
So, this one looks like my mom. I just...noooooooooooooooo.
...
.......
............
I don't know. I seriously don't. You know, I always make fun of the Twiliter 'sterotype' but...Really? My god. Sometimes God just hands you gifts, you know? I'm sure her parents are proud.
Yes, 'ecullen100', you look terrible. However, thanks to you, I no longer need to wonder what Edward Cullen would look like if he had down syndrome. Thanks!
The truth is I could go on and on with these pictures, but they are all terrible in their own way. Let's consider the 4 I have here to be our sample group. Why? Because these were actually the first group of pictures I cam across. So here we have, a 12 year old BOY, a soccer mom, a chick with vampire teeth, and some kid with down syndrome. Yup. Only winners read Twilight.
After that little ride, I continued on. Oh no. Oh dear GOD no. LOOK:
What did I find? Spoiler: Only terrible things. I had so many choices. So many. I didn't know what to do. That is until I found THIS one:
Yeah. Yeah I know. I clicked on it. Here is just a single EXCERPT from what was contained within, because I care about your well-being.
I crawled next to Edward on the bed that night with Jane Austin’s classics in my hands. Edward gently removed the book from my hands and greedily covered his mouth to mine. My breathing increased and I leaned into him.
Trust me when I say you don't want to read anymore. I did. My eyes will never heal. At the end of one of her chapters, she makes an aside:
That is god. That is god punishing you for doing what you just did. For being yourself. Stop. Stop before we all become victims of your disease.
So, there you have it in a nutshell. After that piece of fanfiction I chickened out and closed my internet browser. Upon further consideration, I re-opened it, cleared the cache, deleted the history, and removed all local files. I need to stop now. I need to go for a walk. I am sorry for bringing all of this to your attention. I am sorry for putting this burden on you.
Sometimes vampires can be gay apparently
And I'm not ok with that. Seriously. You know, 2 years ago if someone asked me what a vampire was, I would point to this:
Look at that. LOOK. Cool as a motherfucker. That is a man you don't fuck with. That is something every man worth his merit should aspire to be. And THAT is what I used to see when someone said 'vampires'. That was sweet. That was cool. That was before. Now, whenever anybody mentions the word 'vampire', the ONLY goddamn thing I can see in my head is THIS:
Ugh. UGH. UGGHHHHHH.
Sometimes, I wonder why things happen the way they do. For instance, why is it that, when presented with something already cool, there will exist a person, somewhere on this green earth, that will think to themselves "NOPE NOT GAY ENOUGH." Of course, if you haven't figured it all out yet, I am talking about this revolutionary piece of literature:
Twilight, as it were, was a story envisioned by an aging, overweight, presumably desperate, mormon housewife. In Connecticut. Nothing good ever comes out of Connecticut. Trust me. How did this story come into fruition? What was the stepping stone that lead Mrs. Meyer to begin writing this masterpiece of the written art? Honestly I couldn't make it funnier if I tried, so instead I am just going to quote her directly,
I know the exact date that I began writing Twilight, because it was also the first day of swim lessons for my kids. So I can say with certainty that it all started on June 2, 2003. Up to this point, I had not written anything besides a few chapters (of other stories) that I never got very far on, and nothing at all since the birth of my first son, six years earlier.
I woke up (on that June 2nd) from a very vivid dream. In my dream, two people were having an intense conversation in a meadow in the woods. One of these people was just your average girl. The other person was fantastically beautiful, sparkly, and a vampire. They were discussing the difficulties inherent in the facts that A) they were falling in love with each other while B) the vampire was particularly attracted to the scent of her blood, and was having a difficult time restraining himself from killing her immediately. For what is essentially a transcript of my dream, please see Chapter 13 ("Confessions") of the book.
Though I had a million things to do (i.e. making breakfast for hungry children, dressing and changing the diapers of said children, finding the swimsuits that no one ever puts away in the right place, etc.), I stayed in bed, thinking about the dream. I was so intrigued by the nameless couple's story that I hated the idea of forgetting it; it was the kind of dream that makes you want to call your friend and bore her with a detailed description. (Also, the vampire was just so darned good-looking, that I didn't want to lose the mental image.)
Now hold on a second. Just wait. Really think about what you just read. This woman had a dream about a FANTASTICALLY BEATIFUL, SPARKLY VAMPIRE. Wait..What? What? That is the shit 14 year old girls dream up to replace the fact that guys are, in fact, generally assholes. It is their escape. And WHAT A COINCIDENCE, the girl he lusts for is some average, ordinary, every day girl. OH MAN. Do you see what I am getting at? This woman has managed to make MILLIONS off of a self-masturbatory piece of fan-ficiton. And THAT, is terrible. I write stories about myself training pokemon and competing in the World Pokemon Federation all the time. I want to be the very best. Like no-one ever was. But at least I have the common sense to keep it to myself. In fact, entire internet subcultures are formed around writing fan-fiction*. None of these stories ever take off, or go anywhere. Yet here we are, presented with this anomaly. It has transcended boundaries and pre-concieved notions to reach people en-masse. It strikes a cord with young women, awkward men, and pedophiles. CONGRATS. How did this happen? The jury is still out on the success of this tripe; but I, as always, blame the internet. I wouldn't be writing all of this if I had never heard about it, but thanks to the internet, this shit is everywhere. Fan sites, online communities, role playing subcultures. You name it, there is a version of it for Twilight now. And there it is, on the internet, for everyone to share! Fuck. I have browsed through many fan girls and fan boys confessing their love for this series via the medium of video, but I believe one fan stands above the rest. Well, not so much stands as sits in the corner at a school dance and breathes heavily.
Just watch that. I'll wait. If you can make it all the way through without losing faith in all of humanity then you deserve a prize.
What we have here, is what I will refer to as 'the average Twilight fan'. She seems very cross in this entry as somebody on the internet had the AUDACITY to criticize the latest book in the series. I assume she then ate that person. Want another taste? Take a look at her while she watches the Twilight trailer for the first time!
How did I even find these. How do I even do anything. I showed a friend of mine her various videos, and he said he needed to go for a walk. He needed to re-evaluate his life thus far and needed to understand why he found himself at this point. What did he do wrong? I don't blame him. The first time her youtube channel graced my computer, I needed about 4 beers to calm down. AMERICA. I could go on for pages and pages about everything that is wrong in those two videos, but I assume that you are an intelligent enough individual to make all the necessary conclusions.
So, now that you see what kind of people this series creates, what kind of ilk it collects, you will start to understand. You will start to see.
Thanks to her, however, I finally found myself at the nexus. The promised land. The central fan page.
Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
The horrors I found within these hallowed grounds were astonishing.
Now is the part where I break your heart. Now is the part where I hurt you. Like an abusive boyfriend, I do this because I love you. This website, among other pieces of internet paraphernalia, will be covered in PART 2 of my Twilight mega special, to arrive in the next couple days. And I know you'll be back. People can't look away from 2 cars about to crash.
*To be covered in a later post because it will take everything I have to cover it, and not die from a brain tumor afterwards.
This post is about some fat people
On the internet. Now, I know what you are thinking: "Fat people and computers go together like 3 big macs and a single diet coke!" I don't deny this. In fact, I embrace this. Because honestly, for every 20 fat people there exists one who makes you hate everything you have ever loved. First case in point, this young entrepreneur:
What the fuck. What in the fuck. So, in my mind, I picture this young man sitting down one day and thinking, "You know, I'm fat. But I just don't feel that I am fat enough, you know? Like, there has to be some way to demonstrate to the world that I am willing to ch- PIZZA ROLLS CHALLENGE." And just like that, this sad sack waddles his way to a 7/11, money clutched tightly in his hamfist. The clerk sees him, terrified by the look of determination in his eyes. The Eye of the Tiger starts playing. He slams the money down on the counter and points hard at the super plus size bag of pizza rolls.
Roll camera. Induce vomiting.
As if what he is doing is not...gross enough, Tubs McGee here seems to have been winded by chewing. The heavy breaths he takes to support his monumental task will echo in my nightmares for years. Also, what the fuck is with his hair? My theory is that he is so horrible that his body is literally producing it's own Crisco. Hair slicked down, heavy breathing, and sweating while chomping down pizza roll after pizza roll. Ladies. This is a challenge to him? Really? It looks like his goddamn warm up.
Moving on!
I give you, 'Ulillillia'
Before I even get on the topic of this magnificent specimen, I will link you to his website: http://www.ulillillia.us/mainindex.shtml. Don't ever go there. His web page will take an entirely new post to cover, so I won't do it here. But suffice to say, we will, for now, just need to accept that it looks like something I made when I was fucking 10 years old on Geocities back in 1996. Right now, I just need to focus purely on this picture.
What we have here seems to be some sort of hybrid turtle-man. Notice, first, he is sporting what is known in some circles as a "neck beard":
LOOK AT ME
This is a common trait among a lot of these people. It is horrendous. But it can be used for immediate identification. Stay away from anybody sporting a neck beard. He seems to be working on something there, in that picture. Typing away on his dirt encrusted keyboard. I assume it is from food. He knew this, however, and has at least put a terribly cheap looking plastic sheath (that one may find on say, an old persons tv remote) around his keyboard. I also think that the reason why he has THREE separate "Altoids" tins within his fat arm's reach is self explanatory. Think. Moving on, for some reason he felt the need to stuff a globe into his work desk. Why? I assume because he is curious about the outside world, but is in fact, too fat to move. So he must gaze at it from afar, as God must see it. Cheap, plastic, and full of text. Finally; his hair. LOOK AT HIS HAIR. Some sort of...mullet? I have no idea. It looks like he is auditioning for a Flock of Seagulls cover band. Also the natural grease is further adding to his appeal. Ladies. I could go on but honestly I can't look at him anymore because I am on the verge of self loathing.
I can't go on anymore. I had a big writeup for the final picture but I just need to stop.
This is one of the first things that pop up when you GIS "fat person at walmart".
SIDENOTE: Did you know I alt text all of my images for totally hilarious mouseover action? I do. And I do it just for you.
Twitter is a disease
I would like to discuss why.
Twitter, as I am sure you know, is an online service that allows you to provide UP TO THE MINUTE updates on whatever it is you are currently doing in no more than 140 characters. Think about this. It is basically a webpage designed to display your text messages. It is full of abbreviations and internet lingo and exclamation marks and I think AIDS.
Who thought of this? My theory is that it predates to an early 1940's era Germany. Hitler, high on delicious Nazi chocolates from the recent conquering of Belgium, devises a new branch for his Nazi regime.
Much like, well, pretty much all his divisions (except the unicorn and rainbow divisions), the goal is to break down his opponents. To give him the edge. He lost faith in the wizards division so reassigned them to what is known simply as "The Division". The Division's goal was to break his opponents mentally. To assault them on the one front none of their precious guns can protect; their minds. They never finished their project, of course, as Hitler was defeated by America. USA, USA, USA! Before their defeat, however, The Division hid their project inside of a secret Nazi forest, marked so that you could only find it from above:
This location, and the evil project it contained, was not discovered. That is, until about 2006-2007, when someone found it, unearthed it, and utilized it. All it was was sheets upon sheets of Nazi binary code. It made no sense. After months of work they were able to crack it and upload whatever program it contained onto the internet. That program? Twitter.
Twitters popularity is monstrous. Apparently enough people in this world think that we care so much about what they are doing RIGHT THE FUCK NOW that they need to post it on the internet so the whole world can see. Let me tell you something. You know who cares less about your day than you do? Everybody else. And yet this thing, this social networking tool, keeps pushing forward, one soccer mom at a time.
You see, the majority of twitter users are not you or I. Most of them are old. One might even say, old as fuck. It is completely beyond me WHY the older generation latched onto this thing like it provided them with precious nutrients, but they did. So now, we can know what some house wife in Michigan is up to at 4:02 pm! Yesssssss.
Of course, I wouldn’t be telling you all of this if I couldn't back it up. So I present, for your viewing pleasure, excerpts from random twitter blogs!
This user actually exists
Well THANK GOD, Britney! Keep me updated!
I CAN HAS ANNEURISM NOW?
OH MY GOD
Haha, old people on the internet! NOBODY CARES, MCCAIN.
I assume the question was, "Are you a blight upon this earth?"
Okay, so what do we have here? A soccermom, Britney Spears, lolcat, MC Hammer, John McCain and Soulja Boy. Yup. It is pretty much the dream team. How could you NOT want to be associated with such a community?
And of course, no review of a product would be complete without glowing praise for it!
(pulled right off the main page of the site)
And with that, I am off to kill myself.
So there’s this one game
Called Resident Evil 5. I am sure you are familiar with it.
Now, it is important to note that whenever a new video game is released, there is an entire community that surrounds it online to discuss it at length. Be it through message boards, e-mails, public chats, whatever. However, there is an inherent problem when trying to get people to discuss a single topic on the internet:
The discussion is full of retards.
Example? I came across a thread on a message board devoted to this game. Since I thoroughly enjoyed it, and against my better judgement, I decided to waltz into that thread. What I found...was horrible.
People were yelling at each other* over the..ahem.."proper way to play the game with a friend". People were literally ready to THROW DOWN in some sort of online break dance competition over how one should properly play this game in co-op. This is retarded. People are retarded. I am retarded for discovering this. Screaming matches took place, insults were hurled, all over an 'ideal' way to enjoy the game, that you bought with your own money, with your own friends.
This gave me a brain hemorrhage. I went into a stroke-like state for about 5 minutes an emerged with what has been dubbed "Duke Mode". Here is the REAL way to play RE5 in co-op, which is what I have posted into that online discussion for those people to see:
"Guys when I play this game in co-op, me and my friend only walk backwards and only aim at enemies at the exact same time and alternate our shots. As for ammo the rule of thumb for us is to only pick up every other box we see. Every time we pick up a multiple of 3 boxes, we have to discard one weapon. Once one of us runs out of weapons we are designated "the duke" and allowed to walk forward until we pick up a new weapon.
Also if you both end up as "the duke" then the first one to knife a zombie to death gets designated the "anti-duke" and then gets to collect the first weapon you come across in the current level while the other person is only allowed to collect ammo until the end of the current level. This person can only trade over ammo to the anti-duke if the ammo count in their inventory ends in 5.
Obviously this whole process is restarted when you start a new level."
I hope this argument makes them realize how utterly retarded this debate is. I think I am going to go play RE5 now.
Basically this whole game is about shooting black people.
*Yelling at someone over the internet requires you to use ALL CAPS JUST LIKE THIS EEERRRAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH.
Oh what
Look, right now I just hate people. I hate them so much. But why? Why why why why why WHY? Because I found this:
Now just hold on a fucking second. One sec. I swear. There are people who EXIST ON THIS PLANET that feel the need to dress up like animals in order to "be themselves". Do you understand that? Some people hit a pivotal point in their life and think things like "I...don't think I'm straight" or "I...think I know what I want to do for the rest of my life" or "I...need to hide this dead body". Some OTHERS, however, wake up one morning and decide "Hey! I...need to dress up like a purple fox RIGHT THE FUCK NOW". Now, this fact alone should be enough to make somebody hate other people forever. But extrapolate that thought. Imagine, somehow, somewhere, enough of these people exist and feel the need to get together. Then, along comes this tool, this new technology, that allows them to instantly get into contact with each other. Oh, fantastic! What is this marvelous new piece of technology called?
BEHOLD! THE INTERNET.
Fuck. Ugh. UGH. Okay, now, people like this:
Can meet people like this:
And feel completely normal and accepted. Look. I don't care what you do on your own time. You want to dress up like a wolf? Fine. Just please, for the love of god, don't post it on the internet. Because now, I have seemed to stumble onto your secret cove. Your hidden treasure chest full of terrible secrets. I want to throw up. I want to cut myself. I want to rip my dick off and throw it into a river.
I have thus far come across numerous furry pictures. Picking only one from the pile to take a deeper look at is hard. And I don't want to do it. And yet, I am drawn to this subculture. Like some sort of horrific car crash, I cannot look away. Lucky for ME, I found one image, that despite all odds, seems to be the worst of the bunch. Think about that. I have just told you I have found the worst furry picture. I don't know. I don't know. Here:
Look at that. LOOK. Drink it in.
Okay, so, what in the fuck do we even have here? Well, it seems that some wheelchair bound individual decides that he is actually a blue fox. He needs to share this with the world. But WAIT! In this gigantic failure of an outfit, he is unable to move himself around properly. How will he solve this dilemma? Apparently by getting his friend in the TOTALLY RAD FLAME SHIRT YEAAAAHHHHH (oh and also fox ears and a tail) to cart him around. Now, he is free to show himself to the world! Not having legs has not even stopped this wonderful man from living his dream. God tried. He did. But it seems that even crippling a furry doesn't fucking work. Okay. I hate myself. I can't do this anymore. So as a last note, Look at the gansta-licious guy in the background. He is throwing up gang signs. He is trying to be cool. He is trying to be cool while wearing a dog mask with matching hands.
Yeahhh boooiiiiiii
I hate him. I have never even met him and I hate him with every fiber of my being.
What in the hell is this
Okay, I would like to get the ball rolling. This website is dedicated to why I hate the internet so much. It is a terrible place that only serves as a constant reminder of our own shortcomings and failures as a human race.
First case in point, this image:
That is the FIRST result you get when you google image search (GIS) "wheelchair fight". I searched it on a whim. I didn't expect anything to come from it and yet there it is. The situation we seem to have going on here is an interracial affair. The black man is clearly trying to subdue his white handicapped counterpart. To what ends? Who knows. The picture is vague. Now what I find most striking about this image is not the hate crime that is clearly being perpetrated, but the vapid, empty look on the white man's face. He has a look of longing about him, arms crossed. It is as if he deals with this kind of shit from black people sitting in chairs all the time. He is assuming "the position". And what in the hell is the man in the back forcing into his mouth? It is almost as if he is forcibly trying to brush the white man's teeth, much to the white mans dismay (or what I assume is dismay; for all I know the white man is in fact autistic and that is a whole new can of worms). Look how far his finger is in the other mans mouth. LOOK HOW FAR. It's as if, on top of brushing his friend's teeth (?), he is also trying to choke him out. And don't even get me started on why the black man clearly only has 4 fingers on his left hand.
The point is, this image exists. It exists and it is on the internet and I have found it. I hate myself for finding it, but mostly I hate the internet for giving it to me. The crippled white man's face will haunt me in my dreams forever.
LOOK AT ME
Sidenote: The black man looks like OJ Simpson.